Two Sinners on the Same Team
Every marriage has conflict. Two sinners under one roof will disappoint each other, and anyone who tells you otherwise is not telling the truth. What matters is what happens next, because the way you handle hurt will make your marriage better or bitter.
Good communication is a skill, and skills can be learned. Many of us learned to argue by watching our parents, and what we saw at home became normal to us. God's Word can retrain us. Paul gave the church a paragraph of practical instruction about how we talk, and it fits a kitchen table as well as it fits a church.
“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”EPHESIANS 4:31–32 · KJV
Start with this: your spouse is on your team. When you said “I do,” you became one flesh (God's Design for Marriage). In a marriage there are no sides. Deep trouble lies ahead the moment you start to see your spouse as the enemy. The real enemies are pride, bitterness, and the devil, who wants a foothold in your home: Neither give place to the devil (Ephesians 4:27).
God Himself shows us why words matter. We know God because He has spoken, in His Word and finally in His Son (Hebrews 1:1–2). Closeness comes through words, and your spouse cannot know what you do not share.
This study assumes two people who can disagree safely. Abuse is not a communication problem, and no better wording will fix it. Abuse is sin and a crime. If you are afraid of your spouse or in danger, do not try these steps alone. Call the police, get to safety, and tell a pastor. See Hurting Homes.
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For Deeper Study
- The PeacemakerAmazon Ken SandeA biblical guide to resolving personal conflict, with very practical steps. Sande writes from a Reformed background.
- War of WordsAmazon Paul David TrippShows how our speech grows out of the heart. Tripp is Reformed; we differ on election.
- Communication: Key to Your MarriageAmazon H. Norman WrightA long-used, practical handbook on how couples can learn to talk and listen.
- Choosing ForgivenessAmazon Nancy DeMoss WolgemuthA warm, biblical book on forgiving as a choice, even when the hurt is deep.
- Foxe's Book of MartyrsAmazon John FoxeThe classic Protestant record of those who died for the faith, from the early church to the English Reformation.
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God's Design for Marriage
Marriage is God's own design: a lifelong covenant between one man and one woman, made before Him, that joins two people as one flesh and pictures Christ and His church.
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