When You Are Grieving

If Someone You Love Has Died

We are so sorry. Someone you love is gone, and the world kept moving as if nothing had happened. You do not have to read this all at once. Take a little, and come back when you can.

Let us say the first thing plainly: you are allowed to hurt. Grief is not a lack of faith, and no one should tell you to snap out of it. It means you have lost someone who mattered. You can trust God and still cry. You can have hope and still feel as if the floor has gone out from under you. Faith and tears do not cancel each other out. Paul knew what it was to be As sorrowful, yet alway rejoicing (2 Corinthians 6:10). Those two can live in one heart.

This page is about how to walk through it. If your question tonight is where they are now, and what God has told us about that, turn to Death and the Intermediate State.

What God Says About Your Tears

Paul wrote to a young church about believers who had died. He did not tell them to be brave.

“But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.”1 THESSALONIANS 4:13 · KJV

Paul does not stop at sorrow not. He says not to sorrow even as others which have no hope. He expects believers to sorrow. The difference is what lies under the tears. In the Bible, hope is not a wish. It is a settled expectation, resting on the character of God and the promises of His Word. God gave us the Scriptures that we through patience and comfort of the scriptures might have hope (Romans 15:4).

Jesus at the Tomb

“When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled, And said, Where have ye laid him? They said unto him, Lord, come and see. Jesus wept.”JOHN 11:33–35 · KJV

Mary came to Jesus with the hardest sentence she had: Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died (John 11:32). He did not correct her, and He did not explain. He groaned in the spirit, and was troubled. He asked where they had laid Lazarus, and He wept, knowing what He was about to do (John 11:11). The One who has the keys of hell and of death (Revelation 1:18) cried at a grave. Your tears are not unbelief.

Near, and Comforting

“The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.”PSALM 34:18 · KJV

The word nigh means near. You may feel that God is far away, and that feeling is real. It is not the fact.

“Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.”2 CORINTHIANS 1:3–4 · KJV

The pain may not lift as soon as you ask. God still comforts you in it, and you will not always hurt this sharply. He has not promised to give back in this life what you have lost. He has promised Himself, and He dwells in every believer by another Comforter (John 14:16), the Holy Spirit.

What Grief Is Like

Grief comes when it comes, and it does not move in a straight line. It is more like the tide. It goes out, you walk on the sand for a while, and it comes back in without warning.

• In your body. You may not sleep, food may lose its taste, and you may feel tired all the time.
• In your mind. You may forget things, or still expect them to walk through the door.
• In your heart. Sadness, numbness, anger, and guilt may all come in one afternoon. After a long illness you may feel relief, and that does not mean you did not love them.
• In your faith. Prayer may feel like talking to the ceiling. You may believe all of it and feel none of it.

Then come the ambushes. You pick up the phone to tell them something. You find their handwriting on a list in a drawer. You laugh at something, and feel guilty for laughing. You go a whole morning without thinking of them, and feel guilty for that too. You start to feel a little better, and it feels like a betrayal. None of this means you are losing your mind, and none of it means you loved them less.

Then the crowd goes home. For a week or two there are flowers and meals. Then everyone else goes back to normal, and you are in a quiet house with the hardest part still ahead. Most people have not stopped caring. They do not know, and you may have to tell them.

Grief also shows how little we ever controlled. There is one Rock that does not move: The LORD is my rock, and my fortress (Psalm 18:2).

When People Say the Wrong Thing

People will say things that hurt. “God needed another angel.” “At least you had all those years.” “Everything happens for a reason.” Some will hand you Romans 8:28. That verse is true, and it was not written to hush a crying person. Most of these people love you and do not know what to say. You can forgive them when you are able. Job called his own friends miserable comforters (Job 16:2). The people you need most are the ones who will simply sit down beside you.

What Not to Do with It

There is no one right way to grieve. Some people need to go back to work, and some need time off. Some want to talk, and some want quiet. Yours will not look like anyone else's. But there are wrong turns, and each one lays a new sorrow on top of the first. We say this gently, because you are tired and these things are tempting.

• Going dark. Turn the phone off for a day if you need to. But do not disappear. Pulling away feels like protection, and it can cost you the people you still have. If you are not ready to talk, say so: “I cannot talk yet. Please do not give up on me.”
• Numbing it. Alcohol, drugs, food, a screen at three in the morning, a new relationship too soon. They work for an hour. Then you still have your grief, and now you have a second problem too.
• Staying busy, and waiting it out. Work is a gift, and it can also be a hiding place. Grief that is buried does not die. It waits. Time alone does not heal, and you will have to feel it.
• Letting it harden. Anger is part of grief. Bring it to God before it settles in, lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you (Hebrews 12:15).
• Speaking for God. Be careful about deciding what He must be doing. “He took this so He could give me something better” may not be what He is doing, and then you will feel let down by a promise He never made.

If you have already taken one of these turns, you are not beyond help, and you are not the first. Tell someone, and take the next right step.

Every Loss Is Its Own

Every death leaves its own hole in the world. Here is a word for a few of them.

A Husband or a Wife

You have lost the other voice in the house, the one you would have told about today. Naomi lost her husband and her two sons, and she came home saying, Call me Mara: for the Almighty hath dealt very bitterly with me (Ruth 1:20). The book does not scold her. Scripture calls God a judge of the widows (Psalm 68:5), and He tells His people To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction (James 1:27). When Jesus met a widow on her way to bury her only son, he had compassion on her (Luke 7:13). He sees you at the table set for one.

A Child

There may be no deeper wound, and we will not try to explain it. The loss of a baby before birth is the loss of a child, however early it came.

We believe those who die before they can understand right from wrong are safe in God's mercy. God does not send children to hell. When David's infant son died, he rose, worshipped, and ate, and he went on living (2 Samuel 12:20). He said, I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me (2 Samuel 12:23). That day was in God's hands, not his. Jesus said of little children, of such is the kingdom of God (Mark 10:14). See Hurting Homes and The Fall and Its Effects.

A grown son or daughter is still your child. David cried, O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! (2 Samuel 18:33) over a son who had turned against him. Be patient with each other at home. Two parents rarely grieve at the same pace, and brothers and sisters can be forgotten in the sorrow.

A Mother or a Father

People may expect this one to be easier. But you have lost the ones who knew you first. Joseph was a great man in Egypt when his father died, and he fell upon his father's face, and wept upon him (Genesis 50:1). If the relationship was hard, if words were left unsaid, or if they hurt you, the grief can be tangled. You may be grieving what you never had. You can bring that to God too.

A Friend

Friends often stand at the edge of a funeral, and they are back at work the next morning. Scripture does not treat this as a small grief. David said, I am distressed for thee, my brother Jonathan (2 Samuel 1:26). When Stephen died, devout men carried Stephen to his burial, and made great lamentation over him (Acts 8:2). Jesus wept for a friend, and those who saw it said, Behold how he loved him! (John 11:36). Your grief counts.

After a Suicide

If someone you love died by suicide, you are not to blame, and you should not carry that question alone. Find your pastor, and let the church stay close to you.

You may go back over every conversation, looking for what you missed. A death like this has many causes, and no one reason explains it. You may also be afraid for them. Please do not sit with these questions alone. A pastor and a counselor can walk with you through them.

If You Do Not Know Where They Stood

We will not say more than we know. You do not know what passed between a dying person and God, and no one on earth can say. Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right? (Genesis 18:25). There is more in Death and the Intermediate State.

What to Say to God

Tell Him the truth. You do not have to clean it up, and you do not have to sound like a Christian on a good day.

The Psalms prove it. God put prayers in His Book that He knew we would need. How long wilt thou forget me, O LORD? (Psalm 13:1). My tears have been my meat day and night (Psalm 42:3). One psalm ends on the word darkness (Psalm 88:18). These are the prayers of people who had nowhere else to go. Stay in the Psalms for a while, and you will find your own words there.

pour out your heart before him (Psalm 62:8). Say it out loud if you can. If you are angry with God, tell Him so. He already knows, and He can bear it.

You May Ask Why

Almost everyone does. David did, and Jesus did on the cross: My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? (Matthew 27:46). You may ask. Just know that the answer may not come in this life, and that even a true answer would not be enough, because what you want is not an explanation. You want them back. Comfort will not come from solving it. Your feelings may tell you that God has forgotten you. Hold to what He has said instead: God is sovereign, God is good, and He is with you. You can say, “I do not know why, but I know You.”

When You Have No Words

There will be days when all you have is one word: help. That is a real prayer. the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered (Romans 8:26). You do not have to find the words.

How Long Will This Last?

Longer than other people expect, and longer than you want. No one can give you a date. There is no schedule, so you cannot be behind. If it has been two months or two years and you are still hurting, you are not doing it wrong.

The loss itself may not be repaired in this life. At some point you will have to find a way forward without them, and that may be the hardest step of all. But you will not feel it this sharply forever. Most people find that the edges wear down slowly, and that they never stop missing the one they lost. That is not failure. Grief is a road, not a home. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me (Psalm 23:4).

One Day at a Time

Do not try to carry next year tonight. Think about the first Christmas and the anniversary when they come closer, and ask someone to be with you on those days. Jesus taught us to pray, Give us this day our daily bread (Matthew 6:11). God's compassions fail not. They are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22–23). On some days, today will be one hour. On some days it will be the next five minutes. You have made it through every one of those so far.

Small Things That Help

• Stay with your church. You may cry all through the service, and that is all right. This is when you need God's people most.
• Have one person you can call at a bad hour. weep with them that weep (Romans 12:15) is a command for them, and it is a gift for you.
• Write down one verse. Copy it by hand onto a card, and read it when the tide comes in.
• Care for your body. Sleep, food, water, daylight, and a short walk all matter. God began with Elijah's food and sleep (1 Kings 19:5–6). Caring for yourself is not the same as numbing yourself.
• When you are ready, serve someone. Not this week, if you cannot. Later on, a small kindness to someone else is often part of healing.
• Get more help if you need it. If you cannot function, or the darkness keeps getting deeper, see your doctor and talk with your pastor or a Christian counselor. Grief and depression can overlap. See When You Are Depressed.

What God May Do with It

We will not tell you this was worth it, or that God took them to teach you something. We do know that He comforts us that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble (2 Corinthians 1:4). One day you may sit with someone in the worst week of their life and know what to do. That is not for today.

This Is Not the End of the Story

Hope does not make the grave any smaller. It tells you the grave will not have the last word. Christ died for our sins, was buried, and rose again, and He finished the work of our salvation. The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death (1 Corinthians 15:26).

For those who are in Christ, goodbye is not forever. We will be caught up together with them, and so shall we ever be with the Lord (1 Thessalonians 4:17). Paul tells us what to do with that: Wherefore comfort one another with these words (1 Thessalonians 4:18). That day belongs to God, and He will bring it in His own time. Until then He has you here, and He is not finished with your life.